Outside Lover's Modular Salad Ballad

and a poem about hangovers

I read a statistic recently that Americans spend over 90% of their lives inside. I decided to see what my very un-American life looks like in this regard and tracked the time I spent outside during a largely unremarkable week in April. I’ll check back in in August but I’m happy to report I had a daily average of 14.88%, and will be focussing even more on Outside Time™️ in the coming months. This Bosca Uibheacha has been largely written in sun soaked chunks on my lunch break, to the soundtrack of funk mixes and toddlers passing by on field trips. There’s a lot of yuck in the world presently but there’s also tomatoes and outdoor pools, picnics with pals, people who remind you how far you’ve come, forehead kisses, farmers markets and conclave discourse, all to be had during said Outside Time™️. And if you’re lacking any of those then I will personally provide any and all of them, my treat.

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Flavour of the month: Sailéad

We’ve finally waded out of Berlin winter and into the business half of the year, party-wise. Apologies to the southern-hemisphere folk who might read this but as you may be aware from your recent summer, life improves tremendously when you’ve had some sun. Not to brag but it’s spring, my vitamin D deficiency has all but vanished, I just got back from a week in Sicily and I’m eating salads. Every salad I make is a full meal, I refuse to mince about with side salads when cooking for myself (unless of course it’s my beloved dressed cabbage) and so they have to be hearty and interesting and varied enough to delight my little rat brain. My shops recently have been vegetable heavy and wonderful. It’s asparagus season in Germany! Snap peas have returned! There’s more variety than the 5 types of köhl I’ve been rotating around for the last 6 months! I can start to CHOOSE beans instead of resorting to them out of necessity. The contents of my vegboîte are chic and lithe, and a least a little entitled. They all got in on guestlist and they’re making a show of being seen, spending hours in the smokers area prattling on about their latest gallery openings and how they know everyone in this DJ collective while wearing either very tiny or very large sunglasses stolen from an Italian airport.

“But Caoimhe”, I hear you ask, “how am I to use these fancy springy vegetables? How do I, a mere volleyball-obsessed financial advisor from Nebraska, create the perfect salad?”. Well, average reader of this Substack, as a scientist and a scoundrel, I’ve come up with a perfect formula for every salad; they have to adhere to the acronym COCKS; Carb, Omg, Citrus, Krunchy, Sweet (I will not be taking notes on my mnemonic abilities please and thanks). A brief lowdown before we get into some of the combos I’ve been devouring of late.

Carbs

The carbular backbone, the breadular layer of the salad is what takes a salad from girl dinner or desperate inhalation of veg to something substantial. Some might say protein holds that top spot but I’m trying to live a happier life these years and part of that includes eschewing notions of what has to be good for me and chowing down on whatever feels right at the time. Let me eat a full meal of corn, society! I’m hitting anything along the lines of pasta, orzo, rice, bulghur, freekeh, couscous, quinoa, pearl couscous, or bread. Heck I might get silly and have the carb as a vessel for bringing the salad to my gob (I will elaborate on the mighty corn chip later). You name it, I boil it, or roast it, douse it in olive oil and use it to bulk up a midweek dinner.

Omg

This really belongs at the end of the acronym, it’s a big “ta-dah!” sort of thing, but then we’d be murmuring “CCKSO” instead of “COCKS” under our breath as we stroll through the produce section and what fun is that? The omg of the salad is anything that gives you pause. A little “hmm?”, something you can’t put your finger on that makes the salad “not JUST a salad”. If you make the same base every time but swap out your omg component, you have a whole new salad. Some easy examples; seaweed, the humble pea, the less humble pea (edamame), anchovies, passionfruit, a burrata, or sundried tomatoes. I enjoy roasting an element that isn’t ordinarily so - chickpeas, or shaved sprouts, courgette ribbons. Super specific items that I include to goad the have-nots in the readership; Lucy’s pickled red onion, Spreewald pickles, my own homemade hot sauce or Sicilian olive oil.

Most of the omg comes in the dressings, taking any unusual ingredient that gets a ‘wow that flavour really comes through’ from the crowd and leads to a warm smug glow. As I’m usually the only one enjoying my lunch on any given weekday this has led to a lot of self-talk in the mirror, and my reflection might be getting a mild ego. In terms of dressing additions, we’re talking gochujang, tahini, kimchi brine, really any sort of brine, or perhaps a healthy dose of basil, anchovy paste, harissa or a rake of dill.

Citrus

I mean this is fairly straightforward but I’d always always put a lil citrus in my food. Apologies to my dentist I guess, but the sharpness is worth whatever lasting damage it has on my enamel. In salads, this is most often through fruit flesh (supremed orange or grapefruit), or juice. Usually I’m just lemoning or liming my salad dressings, or grapefruiting if I’m feeling hectic. Rarely I’m oranging, and I am never yuzuing. That would be too unyuzual altogether. I’m in an era of toasting my citrus and it’s a fairly big deal I have to say - a burnt flavour that is yummy and that I chose to add? Unusual, surprising, a perfect little ruse. And finally, in the interests of making the acronym ever-so silly, this section also includes an array of vinegars; red wine, rice wine, balsamic and apple cider for any dressings.

Krunchy

As a texture gal, [the paragraph could truly end there but maybe this warrants some more examples. But you know exactly what I’m going to say about adding krunch already. It’s just good].

I always keep a jumbo bag of walnuts on hand for any occasion, I think they’re the perfect nut. A delightful texture, a taste that belongs in almost anything, and they look like little brains. J’adore. Caramelised, bashed to a dust or lightly toasted - though I’m not sure I’ve ever managed to “lightly toast” anything without getting distracted. Walnuts aren’t the be-all end-all of the krunchy set, there’s pistachios, sesame seeds, crispy rice, toasted coconut flakes, pumpkin seeds, fried shallots (a personal fave. It might be an omg too. I use it in such quantity that it could be considered a carb. What can’t fried shallots do. I’ve started just eating it by the handful. I have zero shame about it, and am actively recommending it). Croutons. We can’t forget the croutons! Big and homemade, ideally fried for a Panzanella salad but oven baked works too. Usually it’s day-old ciabatta but a wholemeal or seedy bread works great too, torn rather than chopped.

Sweet

We’ve reached the end of the acronym! Again, dressing add-ins are an easy way to find the sweet balance; balsamic glaze, honey, maple syrup, brown sugar, orange juice/zest. A soaked date made into a paste, pomegranate molasses, as ever I’m trying to impress the various Turkish men I encounter in supermarkets, spätis and döner shops, for some reason. I like to include fresh fruit as often as possible; apple, strawberries, grilled peaches, grapes, raspberries, finely diced pineapple, lil mango chunks. Fruit provides such a good texture in any salad - whether it’s crisp or creamy, or melting in your mouth after being fried (grilled stone fruit season CANNOT come fast enough). I’m not going to engage in raisin discourse, other than to say that I think they’re perfect in anything, of course extending to salads, and I’m sticking my fingers in my ears and singing lalalalalala until I’m sure nobody is going to pull me up on it.

Spring goat cheese pasta salad

I find myself making essentially the linked recipe, but adding pasta and snap peas for satiation and texture. I love a precooked beetroot (though am still yet to get through a whole bag alone, beetroot Substack coming in 2026 perhaps), despite what ever-concerning after-effects it may have on my bathroom experiences. This salad is freeeeeesh and has bite!

C - pasta, ideally wholemeal farfalle

O - beetroot ‘n goat cheese

C - lemon

K - walnuts, snap peas

S - a nice drizzle of honey

Cowboy caviar

We’re not quite in corn season just yet but I can, will, and do pay extra for a cob on the edge of the summer because this salad is worth it. Placed somewhere between a pico de gallo, a charred corn salsa and a guac, it’s best tucked into cutlery-free, using corn chips as edible spoons. And hey it saves on dishes too.

C - corn chips

O - dry toasted fresh corn, coriander

C - lime juice and zest

K - honestly all of it

S - dash of maple

Lets feed the family

The most modular of the modular salads, you can swap any leaves, fruit and veg mix-ins to make a hearty side salad.

C - croutons

O - eaten with pals (ideally in Sicily)

C - fresh oranges, or whatever you can find in your airbnb

K - toasted pistachios (and croutons)

S - more orange juice in the balsamic dressing

Grilled peaches

Burrata always adds a sort of scrotal element to the COCKS, I can’t get enough. Grill your peaches. Trust me, it’s life changing.

C - orzo

O - burrata, blanched asparagus

C - lemonlemonlemon

K - any nut you have on hand

S - those fuuuuudgey grilled peaches

Tomato carpaccio

I’m about to head to the farmers market to grab myself the most alien looking tomatoes possible to make this again tonight. It’s just about the easiest way to tuck into half a kilo of tomatoes by yourself. I served it with pita and köfte, but I forsee a roasting evening in late July when this will be my sole dinner munch.

C - a lil pita

O - coriander and ginger salsa

C - red wine vinegar

K - fresh green chillies, fried shallots

S - farmers market beefsteak tomatoes

Soooooo…. iS it aBOut tHe sALad? No you moron wonderful person, it’s about me saying COCKS a lot, duh. It’s also about knowing your way around dishes in a modular way, demystifying veg, getting rid of assumptions about salads - it’s about taste and texture and enjoying your food rather than doing it out of obligation. No salad will be a sadlad on my watch. Honestly it’s not that deep this month folks. Stay tuned for next month to see how dips changed my outlook on life though…

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The Jammy Yolk

The heart of the egg box. A little sphere of the innermost goo in my brain. Mildly cooked for your enjoyment.

Waxing Homiletic on a Saturday Morning

Longing Ganymede
Unwashed pontificate
Admiring and fearing
Yesterday’s temerity
Hermetic, hermitic
Scentless, centless
Ptarmic karma reborn on a tissue
The duvet a sclerite
A harsh numb tomb
Until 5pm’s Parousia

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Until next time, stay safe, get some Outside Time™️, and send me pictures of your COCKS. Your wee pal, C x